Licensing for kids

"Do you need a license to have children?"
"No. You don't need permission or a license to have children, but come to think of it, it might be a good idea."
"How come?"
"You know, when I look at some parents, I instantly become convinced that pro-choice movement is justified."
"I don't really know what you are saying. Too many big words and it sounds political."
"I stand corrected. Sometimes I forget that you are only eleven. How about having this discussion in two or three years time?"
"Good thinking."

Speech impediment

"My braces are killing me. They are too tight."
"You will get used to it. Remember, you asked for it."
"No, I did not! And now I cannot talk."
"Thank God, finally something worked."

Expressions of anger

"I think I am mad as hell."
"No, you are not. You are just saying it."
"You think that I am not that believable?"
"Dad, I can really tell when you are angry."
"Hmm, and you think that now is not the time?"
"You know, your expression of anger is like a balloon that gets filled up, gets bigger and bigger and then one day, it pops, "BOOM"."
"How about your mom? Does she behave in a similar fashion?"
"That, on the other hand, is a balloon that deflates on a daily basis."

Swimming technique

"Dad! Let's go swimming."
"I'll take you but I don't think I'll swim."
"Why? It's fun."
"Somehow I was never able to develop a good relationship with the life guards on duty.”
“Why is that?”
“They have always looked me up with suspicion. I think that my presence raises their anxiety level and one of them in particular, is so anal retentive that he chases me around. Kind of ruins all the fun."
"Did you talk to him about that?"
"I tried. The last time I was there in the pool, I told him plainly, "Leave me alone. I am just trying to swim here."
"What did he say?"
"He said, "No sir, I think you are drowning."

Major purchase

"I am glad dad, that you bought something for yourself today, for a change."
"You know, I really needed those boxer shorts.”
“You bet. The previous one was completely faded and raggedy. Probably it was bought at the time I was born.”
“About that time, I suppose.”
“Looks like you are all set for the next decade. No more major purchases, I guess.”

Creative thinking

"Did you do any creative work or projects during your school age?"
"Not really. It was neither required nor necessary."
"Then, how did you learn?"
"Well, we were supposed to memorize books, literally word by word, cram everything in and take a 3 hour written test at the end of the year. They would ask you, maybe, five or six questions at the most."
"That's stupid...”
"Yes, it was."
"You know; to relive the experience you missed as a child, feel free to go to school instead of me."

Positive attitude

"How was your day?"
"Good."
"Anything new?"
"Well, I was late for the first period, so I got detention. Then I found out that I forgot my homework at home, so I got a zero as a grade. Next, I couldn't participate in today’s' gym class because somebody stole my shorts from my locker. At lunchtime, I had to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I didn't have my lunch money with me. I also had to stay late after school to make up for the zero grade.
"You said earlier that it was a good day."
"It was not?"
"I don’t think so."
"See, I am a very positive person."

How do I look?

"How do I look?
"You look beautiful."
"You did not even look at me. See, I have applied eyeliner for the first time."
"Where am I supposed to look?"
"Eyes! Of course. Oh Gosh..."
"Could you be more specific?"
"Ahhh!"

Happy father's day

I woke up this morning and found this on my bedside:




It is a hand crafted coupon book made by my daughter for me as a father's day gift.

The idea is solely inspired, developed, authored and packaged by her. The coupon book has nine entries, which are listed below:

One free shopping trip that you don’t have to make.

One free shower that I will take in five minutes or less.

One free time I'll keep my pet bird from bothering you.

One free car trip, you get to hear your favorite radio.

One free room cleaning, pick a room of your choice.

One free day to help you in the yard or around the house.

One free dinner for you (I only know how to make pasta).

One free month, pay only 50% of my monthly allowance.

One free time I'll shut up.

I guess this makes me one hell of a lucky dad.

Logical Inference

"We had a science class today."
"What did you learn?"
"Some interesting stuff, like the male hormone testosterone is responsible for all the male traits and that it is linked with baldness."
"Yes! there is an indirect correlation between the levels of testosterone and the amount of hair on the scalp."
"Translation please."
"It means that higher the testosterone levels, the less the hair and vice versa."

Pause

"Dad! You have a head full of hair."

Great minds

"Hi, dad! What's up for dinner?"
"Stirfried broccoli and rice."
"Eww! I hate broccoli. I am not eating it."
"Would you at least try it?"
"No way. It's gross and looks yucky. Can you make me something else?"

Pause

“You know what George H. W. Bush Senior once said about broccoli? He said, “I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”
“Wow! See how all great minds think alike.”

Long term plans

"Would you like to clean up your room? The mess is really getting out of control here. I am even afraid to open the door as things may start falling out on me."
"Well, I was busy with my school stuff, but I did clean a little last week. Didn't I?"
"Sure, you did. It also indicates that you'll probably be done in a little less than five years."
"Aren't you proud of me for devoting myself to such a long-term plan?"

Experiential education

"I really like my "Experiential Education" class."
"What the heck is that?"
"It is a curriculum recently introduced in schools and the idea is to make children think about how things work. They make discoveries and experiment themselves drawing conclusions rather than simply reading about them."
"Hmmm. Never heard of that in my good old days. Must be some "techno-psycho" mumbo jumbo. Anyway, do you find it useful?"
"I totally love it. In fact, the course has made me think and question every thing. I guess I have finally started using my brains."
"Really? I did not notice. When did you start?"
"Hey!!!!!"

Living happily ever after

"I liked the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", it was cool. Did you like it, dad?"
"It was O.K. There was a little too much of knife throwing and gun shots for my taste."
"I thought you liked action movies?”
"I do, but Angelina Jolie as an assassin? Man! She don't need no guns."
"Stop it."

Pause

"I did not understand the end of the movie. What was that all about?"
"Well, they kind of lived happily ever after, once they were able to kill everyone else."
"Sounds like the secret to a happy marriage."

Predictability

"Don't go near the stove. It is still hot."
"Somehow I knew that you were going to say that."
"You knew that?"
"Yes, you are very predictable, Dad!"
"Really, how so?"
"I can usually tell beforehand, when and what are you going to say about most things that happen on a daily basis."
"Is there anything you can't predict about me?"
"I still can't figure out, like, when are you going to get mad and start yelling at me. You have such a short fuse."

Limited use

"Dad!"
"Hmmm."
“Dad, don’t you like talking to me?”
“I love talking to you. In fact, we are communicating more when compared to your toddler period."
"You won't talk to me, then?"
"A little, perhaps."
"Why so?"
"I guess, you were too busy in toys and stuff like that and most of the conversations were one-sided. I remember once introducing you to my friends saying, “That is our child but we never really use her."

Sheltered life

"Dad, at what age did you start dating?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Just curious."
"Hmmm! I would say what the famous comedian Bob Hope, once said in response to a similar question, "I have lived a very sheltered life. Never been out with girls until I was four."
"In your dreams..."

Psychoanalysis

"How was school?"
"Good."
"Anything new?"
"No, same old, same old."

Pause

"I am glad that you are not like my friend's dad."
"Why, what does he do?"
"He is a psychoanalyst and their usual conversation goes something like that when she gets home:

Him: "How was school?"
Her: "Good."
Him: "So, how do you feel about that?"

Honing PR skills

"Did you like the movie "Madagascar"? I think it was funny?"
"No, it was not."
"Some of the scenes were pretty hilarious, won't you agree?"
"No, they were not."
"Ahhh! Feisty! Let me suggest a few pointers here, young lady. You do not start a conversation by negating the other person right away. That instantly puts people on the defensive especially if they are your elders."
"I am being honest here, Dad. What should I say then?
"Contrary to the conventional teaching, honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to dealing with people. It is better to start lame and then present your strong, diverging, hypercritical view later. You may want to start a disagreement by appearing to agree with the other person. You'll make more friends than enemies that way."
"I am confused. This sounds way too complicated. Could you give me an example?"
"O.K. Try the opening lines such as, “I beg to differ---", "I have a different view on that and my take is ----" or by simply saying "You may be right but I think that----."
"How about saying, "You may be wrong----". Would that be a good start?"

The truth

"What a lousy song?"
"It's not that bad."
"It really is awful. The tune is off, the lyrics suck and the singer is pitchy."
"Dad! It's Beyonce Knowles."
"I don't care even if she sings it naked."
"Yes, you do..."

Sex, violence and drugs

"What are you watching?"
"MTV."
"I cannot stand this music channel. To be honest, some of the songs should be banned out right. They are such a bad influence on young molding minds. All they do is rap about sex, voilence and drugs."
"You did not watch that channel when you were young?
"No, when I was growing up, things were a lot different. At age eleven, if my memory serves me right, I did not even know the meaning of word "sex"."
"Really?"
"Yeah! Drugs were also non-existant, even smoking cigarettes were considered bad and my exposure to violence was restricted to getting beaten up occasionally by the local bullies on the street."
"When did you start all that, then?"

Physical fitness

"Did you see that jogger? WOW. Man! She has some nice legs."
"Dad! I am disgusted. Shame on you. You shouldn't say such a thing?"
"Why! One should admire the motivation and dedication to staying fit. These are the people who have shown the courage to get off the couch and exercise. They want to get into shape. They want to be healthier, both physically and mentally and they want to take control of their lives. They should be praised."
"That was a nice speech, however, why do you admire only women who are fit?"